NCPG Conference Recovery Day

I completely forgot to mention the telephone conversation I had yesterday during the conference. I was sitting in one of the sessions during the late morning yesterday and my cell phone went off. I couldn’t answer it so I let it go to voicemail. I retrieved the voicemail after the session and it was the telephone call I had been waiting for all week. I sensed this wasn’t a return call to many of my messages and had a sneaking suspicion what the message was all about. I did call back but got voicemail so I left a message and about an hour later I realized if the past is any indication of what was about to happen I wouldn’t receive any return call.

This is why I took it upon myself to call until I reached this person. Around 4 hours after I received the initial call I finally reached the person. My sneaking suspicion was right on target and the conversation was almost comical. I am not at liberty to go into details but I can say I will know next Wednesday whether or not I will be able to travel to New Jersey and drive back with my family. I have to say smiling during this exchange helped immensely. I know there is nothing I can do during this situation other then grin and bear it which is exactly what happened. In a short 9 months this final phase of my consequences will be all over and I will be able to exercise my freewill; however; until that time I will continue to recite the “Serenity Prayer” praying for the “wisdom to know the difference!!”

There was a fantastic discussion with my dear friend before we retired for the evening. The discussion was about Gamblers Anonymous and those who truly understand the program. This was fascinating because it contains an area where I need much more improvement. This dear friend who has over 40 years associated with the GA Program stated the biggest failure of members in GA does not really understand the “Higher Power” concept. The key principle is first and foremost Spirituality. The Spiritual Higher Power takes the member’s ego out of the equation and I know I have a long way to go in this area. I know I cannot do this on my own and I know there is a power greater then myself; however; I internalize this Higher Power as truly myself which is wrong.

I have a Spirit inside of me that I believe exists in every human being on this planet. I can’t really explain this Spirit but I know it is entrenched with goodness. This Spirit does exist inside of me but it is not me. I’m not sure if I am being clear or for that matter making any sense. I believe in a Higher Power which I define as a “Spirit”. I thought for a long time probably up until last night that this Spirit was truly me. It is not me it is of me. I know I have chased trying to control my compulsive gambling addiction for over twenty years to no avail until I arrived at GA over three years ago. I have come to believe in a power greater then myself last night and this power is not of this world. It is indeed a Spirit and this Spirit continues to guide me on a path of righteousness, goodness and positivism. I need and want to continue defining my Spirit and thankfully I can now remove myself from the equation.

This could be considered an “ah—ha” moment and a light bulb did go off in my head as I listened to my wise dear friend. Once I start thinking it is me doing all the work I go off track and I have been off track for the past three years. It took a five minute conversation for me to realize I was indeed off track and now I hope to get back on track with the assistance of my Higher Power. I am so happy I was able to share a room with my dear friend because I learned so much over these past three days. This was a kin to a recovery retreat and a counseling session all wrapped up into one. I listened intently and will take these lessons to heart.

This morning I was awake early and went down to the hotel’s fitness center for the early morning workout. I enjoyed riding the cycle yesterday because it is a newer version of the very old one’s at my regular gym. The only issue I had this morning that the fitness center was very warm almost like a sauna. I could feel this in the first five minutes as I started dripping with sweat. I couldn’t do nearly the intensity I did yesterday because of the heat but I still managed to get in a good workout. The workout was over and I headed back up to the room where I got ready for the day.

Today was the final day of the Conference indeed and was designated a “recovery day” with full invitation to my brethren in the GA fellowship. I was greeted by many familiar faces as I made my way to the conference rooms. I had been looking forward to this particular day and it certainly didn’t disappoint. The opening speaker was one of the country’s leading researcher, psychiatrist and overall expert on problem gambling.

I had done a session with this person prior to my sentencing and was given a written report explaining my compulsive gambling experiences. Even though he is a very intelligent person and was dealing with some very sophisticated terms and techniques; he had a way to “dumb it down” for the lay people such as myself. It was funny because the medical descriptions only discovered some 20 years ago regarding problem gamblers mimicked the words in the GA Combo book written 50 years ago. The good folks who founded GA were way ahead of their time.

When the very eloquent speaker was finished I went to the session called “Women in Recovery”. I had heard about this session last night from the lady I shared something other then being in GA as we both have spent time in prison. By the way I would be remiss if I didn’t provide a link to her book and her wonderful website which helps women from all over the world recover from compulsive gambling. I wanted to see this session because it went beyond just women in recovery as it was about recovery. The session was well attended in fact over the past three days this session had the biggest attendance and was well received. This was a very special session I am so happy I attended.

The next session was titled “Self Forgiveness and Recovery from Compulsive Gambling” presented by one of the pioneers in the field of treatment of compulsive gamblers. The subject matter encompassed the 12 steps from GA as it relates to forgiveness for the compulsive gambler. This was fascinating and was exactly like working the 12 steps of recovery with a clinical twist. The first three steps deal with shame, the next six steps deal with guilt and the final three steps maintain a sane way of life. I did get a great deal out of this session and hopefully those in attendance not associated with a 12 step program understood the material because it does apply to those not in recoveries.

The lunch session was complete with a wonderful speaker who has over 28 years in the GA Program and someone who has given their life to the program. This person was very instrumental to me when I was in prison providing me with the monthly GA newsletter and keeping me connected to the program. There are so many heart warming stories in GA and this was another of those heart warming stories. The final session I attended was titled, “Working the GA Program” presented by four long time incredible GA members. This also dissected the 12 steps of recovery and certainly made a great deal of sense. The central theme was of a Higher Power vis-à-vis Spirituality. This was a wonderful way to complete the recovery day and I did learn many things today. The idea of adding recovery to the conference was a phenomenal idea which enhanced the conference greater. I had a wonderful time and God willing I will be associated with these conferences in the future.

NCPG Conference Day Two

The day of workshops had ended but the involvement with the Conference continued through the evening. The evening event was a scheduled tour of the Queen Mary and yes, that is the “original” Queen Mary that used to sail across the Atlantic in the early part of the 20th century. I had never been on or for that matter near the Queen Mary before. I have seen it many times on television and it seem like a nightly occurrence on the evening news coverage of the weather. I was intrigued with the prospect of seeing the Queen Mary and purchased a ticket for the evening’s events aboard the ship. As we came into full view of the ship it reminded me very much of the Titanic and someone astutely pointed out that the two ships are very similar with only one visible distinction with the number of smokestacks between the two vessels.

The event was arranged very nicely and on board the bus I sat next to one of if not the most influential researchers for problem gambling. I had read many of the papers published by this person and I was pleasantly surprised to see that this person is a very “regular” person but it was obvious as we spoke that this person was extremely intelligent a very knowledgeable about problem gambling. The great aspect of this conference is bringing together all facets of problem gambling from the casino operators to the treatment providers to the statisticians to the people affected by problem gambling and all aspects in between.

I have met and continue to meet so many incredible people. I had the good fortune to sit down with one of the world’s most authoritative figures in Gaming Law. This was another “regular” person but also very brilliant. I didn’t really get the feeling that this person “understood” problem gambling as it occurs to people. There was more of an esoteric discussion and there seem to be a clear distinction between problem gambling and a problem gambler. (I’m not sure if that make sense?) In the course of our discussion it was admitted that there is something called problem gambling but in the attorney’s mind that distinction ended well before it crossed over to a human being. This could be just a play on words but in my mind and certainly in my situation there are real people and certainly real consequences involved. I don’t know if I can separate problem gambling from a problem gambler and this could be a way of sticking to the letter of the law.

The discussion got on to the subject of “due care” which seems to be emphasized with a lawsuit brought by a problem gambler. It was explained to me because the state (that is any state) sanctions gaming the “due care” aspect is exempt from the gaming operator thus rendering the operator exempt from any lawsuits brought by the harm of their “product”. This did not sit well with me but I listened while not saying very much. There has to be a “due care” standard somewhere whether it is the operator or the state because otherwise why would there even be a problem gambling conference. The question of liability seems to be floating about and this (in my opinion) is why many of the casino operators are having their employees trained on how to deal with someone who maybe a problem gambler.

I can analogize this to the Tobacco and Alcohol Industry. Many states don’t “sanction” tobacco and alcohol consumption rather they “allow” the sales of these products in their states and tax these products. The Gaming Industry is also taxed and in some states such as Pennsylvania which has a 55% tax rate (other states are much lower) this tax can be very significant; however, very little and in some instances none of this goes toward the treatment of problem gambling which to me seems very strange. Anyhow I do believe there is a “due care” that must be exercised by either the state or the operator and maybe both in order to assist those who have a compulsive gambling disorder.

The visit to the Queen Mary was something I will do once and I don’t want to sound negative so I will say I am happy I got to see it. I thought the evening’s events aboard the Queen Mary included dinner but I was wrong. Thankfully my dear friend asked me if I were hungry after I consumed a plate of carrots, broccoli and cucumbers to which I said, “yes”. We departed the ship and did not participate in the evening’s karaoke event which is probably much better for those who stayed!!! Since I am a very finicky eater we tried to go the hotel’s restaurant but hamburgers are not my forte. I convinced my dear friend to walk across the street to P.F. Chang’s where we had a great dinner. Along with the great dinner came great conversation and my dear friend who has been associated with problem/compulsive gambling for the past 40 years has so many wonderful and in some instances “not so wonderful” stories. I listened intently to these stories all night long through dinner and when we got back to the hotel.

One story struck a chord with me and it was about recovery and the Gamblers Anonymous Program. This dear friend has seen thousands of people go in and out of the GA Program and the key ingredient is the program itself. My dear friend told me a story of a person who involved themselves in GA for 10 years but somehow stopped going to meetings. This person abstained for the next 22 years without gambling but again without going to meetings; however; in the 22nd year under the “wrong” set of circumstances started gambling without the thought of the consequences and all of that abstinence was erased over the next three years and was in worst shape then ever. This is very key for me because I fully understand this addiction of mine may very well be “arrested” at this point in my life but I must maintain my recovery one day at a time for a lifetime. I need and want the program in my life because my life continues to get better each and everyday.

The day started with me finding the hotel’s fitness center and I exercised for an hour. I do enjoy started my day like this no matter where I am and I got in a very good workout. After this day two of the conference commenced. Again just like day one I sat in on some very good sessions which included, internet gaming, problem gambling funding in Kansas, responsible gaming program and moving towards best practices in responsible gaming. The internet gaming session was very interesting and something I was very familiar with for a number of years. The key component I took out of this was when the researcher stated that the compulsive/problem gambler loses so much “time” with their addiction.

I tried my best to cover-up my compulsive gambling and was mostly physically present at my job and at home with my family but this was not a constructive time in my life as my mind was seemingly always somewhere else. Most times when a compulsive gambler comes into GA for the first time the emphasis is on the amount of money lost but this is not the most important element/consequence of the addiction. It is the amount of time lost thinking, planning and actually gambling. This was no way to live life and thankfully I no longer have to live this way. It seems my head is so much clearer now then it has ever been in my life. I still have a long way to go because I still have some preoccupation going on but it is much better then previous.

I attended two sessions presented by two very influential people in my life and in the GA Program. I considered these two people very dear friends and I sat mesmerized with their respective presentation. The very good and educational day had ended and it was time for a very nice dinner. On the walk over to the restaurant I met a fellow GA member who was also in prison for embezzlement crimes. This GA member has subsequently written a book about their experience and it took them 17 years to complete the book. I did my best to pick their brain and was very impressed with how this person has embraced recovery. Also, if anyone sees this person they would be the least likely person to have been in prison. Dinner was great and there were more stories along with great fellowship. I continued to be blessed in so many different aspects in my life.

NCPG Conference Day One

I woke up early but not much earlier then normal to make my way to the National Council on Problem Gambling’s Annual Conference. It truly is amazing how things work out. When I was in prison I corresponded with the Executive Director of this organization who is based in Washington D.C. This conference does happen every year and it has been in various locations all across the United States. It so happens (maybe not so “happened”) the conference would be held about 90 miles away from where I live this year and would be held at a time I would be able to attend. I wanted very much to attend the Gamblers Anonymous Conference as they celebrated 50 years last year in October. I was a bit “detained” (in many ways) and was unable to attend that conference but through the graciousness and generosity of the Executive Director who extended me a complimentary invitation I was off to the conference this morning.

I do live in Southern California and the freeways I would be traveling on could be quite congested so I departed giving myself ample time. I didn’t encounter any major traffic tie-ups and I arrived about 30 minutes sooner then I had planned. The drive was fine and I pulled into the hotel’s parking lot where I set out to see a dear friend. This dear friend whom I have written about in the past is a true “pioneer” in the field of problem/compulsive gambling. This friend has just celebrated 40 years in the Gamblers Anonymous Program and was gracious enough to offer me to stay with him at the hotel. This is the program working and another testament in regards to people helping people. My dear friend understands my financial situation and offered to help in anyway and sharing a room was a huge help.

In the past (prior to recovery) I wouldn’t think about sharing a hotel room with anyone other then my wife and family. I was a true snob when it came to these things and many other things for that matter. Thankfully, I may have “matured” but it is all about being in recovery. My mind is so much clearer now then it has ever been and this will be the second time this month I share a room with a very dear friend. Also, being in prison for 19 ½ months taught me and continues to teach me a few things. I shared a cell, bunk and a room all through that period so sharing a hotel room just makes more sense now then it has at any other point in my life.

I walked up to my dear friend’s room and knocked. The door open and I was greeted with a big smile and a warm hug. It was great to see this dear friend who I didn’t know at all three years ago but in recovery this is a person I would love to emulate. A true “pioneer” in the world of compulsive gambling doesn’t give my dear friend justice, this is a truly special person who has dedicated their life to helping compulsive gamblers and this dear friend continues to help me not only with sharing the room but teaching me how to recover from this insidious disease.

We caught up with one another for a few minutes before my dear friend had to depart for a meeting prior to the conference. I was told to make myself at home and I quickly unpacked my belongings. I sat in the room for a few minutes staring out at the Queen Mary across the harbor. I had never been to Long Beach (California) before and from what I could see I was very impressed. There is a large port which is also visible from the hotel window but his large port is well off to the side of town and the rest of town is very quaint. There is a large aquarium adjacent to the hotel and many restaurants and shops all around. This was a great choice for the conference in so many different ways.

I made my way down to the conference where I registered. The ironies in my life never stop as the lanyard (another word for necklace) which holds the name badge was sponsored by my previous employer with their name prominently displayed. I had to smile when I saw this because I may be out of the gaming business but my intention is to help in the problem gaming business and there really isn’t much separation. The irony settled in and I walked around prior to the Keynote Speaker. I ran into a few people I hadn’t seen in awhile and a few others that I recognized but couldn’t place the name. Anyhow I went into the grand ballroom for the keynote address.

The speaker was scheduled to be Maria Shriver (aka the first lady of California) but for some reason (I think conflicting vacation schedules) she had to cancel. Her replacement didn’t have the cache of Maria Shriver but was effective as he discussed many different treatments for problem gamblers. He was from Canada and heads their responsible gambling commission. One treatment he discussed was “controlled” gambling for the compulsive gambler. This is the complete opposite of the Gamblers Anonymous Program where abstinence is the only way. At first I was a bit opposed to this technique but for some people this may work because the end result was indeed abstinence. I know for me recovery which has abstinence as a principle is the only way but I am all for helping anyone who needs help. I did enjoy the presentation very much.

After the keynote speaker the breakout sessions commenced and I went to a session on “Key Results from the 2006 California Prevalence Survey” and the results weren’t very earth shattering as California has the most “at risk” and “problem” gamblers then any other state because the state is the most populous and gaming is easily accessible. The key to all of this were the dollars allocated for prevention and treatment. Unfortunately there aren’t a whole lot of dollars available in spite of the findings. I think this is the first step in the process and somewhere along the way there will be funds available.

The next session was my favorite of the day, “Criminal Justice Panel” with a leading attorney/professor along with the Judge who started the country’s first gambling court. This judge was featured in the Al Roker program I appeared on a few years ago. The judge certainly understands compulsive gambling and understands that there are certain people who do NOT belong in prison. He is taking his concept on the road if I may and presented it to other jurisdictions. In his words it has been a long process and there are other judges who just “don’t get it”. I really appreciated his presentation and the other presenters as well. I was fascinated with the Judge’s personality and spoke with him briefly after the session. He agrees the prison system all throughout the United States is broken and there needs to be viable alternative which he is providing. This was an enlightening session and I sure wish the judge who sentenced me could spend a few minutes speaking with this very proactive person.

The session was completed and it was time for lunch. As I was walking to the ballroom for the lunch session I noticed the Executive Director so I stopped to thank him for the invitation and I was greeted with a big hug. Here is a person who is in charge of a very important organization and was genuinely happy to see me. I was honored and touched in so many ways. We spoke for a few minutes and I told him how I was doing which brought a big smile to his face. He mentioned something like me being a “poster boy” for recovery from compulsive gambling and I thanked him very much. This was a wonderful moment and it has all been made possible with recovery.

The afternoon sessions went well and as I sat in one session my cell phone went off. I politely let it go to voice mail not to disrupt the session. After the session I retrieved the message and it was from the agent in regards to renting the house. I quickly called the agent back and was informed that the house was indeed ours and I will be signing the lease this Monday. I was so relieved and had a few goose bumps run down my arm. Yes, it is all coming together in the best way possible and now we have a house in the same neighborhood we departed two years ago. The transition for everyone should be eased with this news and after I spoke with the agent I had to call my wife with the news. I think she was relieved as well and now this part in place as we rebuild our family. It has been a wonderful day!!!!